Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize