they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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