They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
