also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize