You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
