i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
