I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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