I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize