i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
