drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
