I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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