just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
