i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize