I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
