I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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