Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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