I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize