I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
