so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
