I can text with my tongue
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
operation harelip BJ is a go
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
