"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
