I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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