I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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