Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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