Where are you?
In a non slutty way
thus making me awesome and them whores
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
