your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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