This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's rum buckets o'clock
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize