cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
