the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
