My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
