you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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