You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
