Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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