When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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