I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
