you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
