This dress was meant to end up on your floor
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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