How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize