I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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