the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
