the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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