I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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