it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
