Your tits are I can't wait for
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize