my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
