If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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