My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
