dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
