Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
