He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
