You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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