i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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