Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
