The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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