Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
