Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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